Anyway, sometimes during spin class, my instructor isn't yelling at us enough, so my mind starts to wander. Side note: I love being yelled at during spin class. There's nothing less challenging than the chipper, sculpted instructor whose breathing is completely normal as he calmly speaks into the microphone to "take that hill up just a notch, folks". During spin, I think that everything the instructor says slash yells should be punctuated with a minimum of three exclamation points. For example:
"Make THAT HILL STEEEEEP!!!"
"Make that hill STEEPER!!!"
"COME AWWWWWN!!! MAKE THAT HILL AS STEEP AS YOU CAN!!!!"
Oh yes! Yes I WILL make that hill into mush! Come on, suckas. You can cut me off and flip me the bird but MY HILL IS STEEPER THAN YOUR HILL!!!
And when I'm not being yelled at in spin class, my brain decides to check out of the whole process and goes through these elaborate, imaginative (read: insane) scenarios. Here are some of my favorites so far:
1) I am racing the guy who sits in front of me in class. I decide that his left knee is popping out a little bit as he pedals, and that has some kind of injury that is slowly but surely taking him out of the race. Suddenly, we're on a real road on real bikes and I am FLYING PAST THIS GUY!! I think about stopping to help him, but decide that I would rather be a winner than a sucker. MY HILL IS STEEEEEEP!
2) The girl in front of me has a lot of creases on the back of her shirt. I wonder how many there are. I wonder how long it would take me to count them all. I don't want to count them. Can't. Stop. Myself. ..........................................................27.
3) It would be so much fun to make a music video with some of my friends from nursing school. We could parody LMFAO's song "I'm Sexy and I Know It" while wearing our SUPER AWESOME snow-white polyester uniforms and rescuing the androgynous, blue-eyelashed simulation mannequin from a dangerous postpartum hemorrhage. Then we would dance down the hallway at school and spin our stethoscopes above our heads in the air like Terrible Towels, only NOT, because this family is NOT a Steelers family. We're not that much of a football family. We just don't do the Steelers. However, Pittsburgh is a lovely city. I wonder if Dennis Woo would film our music video? If I have to rap, I'll get booed off Youtube. If I have to dance my white girl moves, I'll get booed off planet Earth. Kristin Metzger, you ARE the weakest link.....goodbye. <shove> <long scream fading into nothing> Maybe this video idea isn't such a great plan after all.
4) That guy is bobbing up and down a lot. He looks like his nickname is Geronimo. I wonder if he's gonna fall off his bike? If he does, and it's a heart attack, do I have aspirin in the car? Maybe I'll just stay and make sure the area is clear for the ambulance, and just start CPR right away. He DOES look about a hundred and five years old. But he's probably in better shape than me. NO. Not possible. But what if he is? <pedals faster> Hey, my water bottle is vibrating and the water in it is all bubbly like champagne. DRUNK SPINNING?! YES! I am TOTALLY copyrighting that idea. On second thought...there aren't enough ambulances in the state to rescue 30 drunken spinners who've fallen off their bikes and are awkwardly still attached to their pedals, swimming in a sea of vomit. "My hill is steeper than...<heave> your.....<heave>...hill....<SPLOOSH>
.....................
......Yeah. I have more. Lots more. But I'll wrap it up there before the guys in white coats show up. Ohhhhkayyyy....WHO called 'em??? WAS IT YOU, GERONIMO?? You best make that hill steep, old man. I'm a-comin'.
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