Wreath Whoops

Hahahaha! Okay, so Cameron, Chris and I were standing in the hallway outside my apartment (Cameron lives across the hall from me) and we were quasi-laughing at my old lady neighbor's wreath hanging on her door. We're standing there kind of staring at it and it dawns on me that the overly-large and completely bare wreath has a string of Christmas lights attached to it. Not only that, but the wreath is hanging treacherously from her doorknocker by the end of the cord on the string of lights. Mind you, the lights are not plugged in, so we are talking about a large naked wreath with a string of old, unused lights awkwardly wrapped around it. Of course, since I have to touch EVERYTHING I see, I went up to the wreath and kind of jostled it a little bit, just to see what would happen. You know where this is going, right...the wreath CRASHED to the ground in one fell swoop. I backed away with my hands up, as if to alleviate responsibility from myself. We all stood there for kind of a dumb second or two, looking around like we had been caught with our hands in a cookie jar. At least, this is how I manifested my feelings at the time. I absolutely refused to put the wreath back on the door, because of course she would have opened her door the NANOSECOND I attempted to reattach the godawful wreath. And that would have been quite an interesting explanation. **Editor's note: After reading this post, Chris demanded I mention that he swooped in to gallantly save the day and reattach the wreath. So, from me to you, Chris: I Thank God for your supreme superhero likeness. :-)

On a side note...the other day, Chris noticed that the plastic white bird that had previously been cutely perched in MY appropriately sized & wonderfully decorated wreath had gone mysteriously missing. Who in HECK steals a plastic 3" bird from someone's CHRISTMAS WREATH???? I mean, it's not like it could be re-gifted. Or even used as a cat toy. Revenge, p'raps? By a certain elderly woman whose wreath was violated? The truth will forever remain unknown...

Airport awesomeness

Amazingly awkward conversation Chris and I had while waiting for our (delayed) plane to arrive at Chicago O'Hare airport:

2 small children who don't know each other were playing "Ring Around the Rosey" nearby, very loudly and cutely, among a throng of 176 passengers waiting to board flight 730 to BWI.

"That's so cute!" I said. Chris looked over at the two kids and nodded.

"That's funny, they just met and they're already playing together!" I exclaimed. "I wish adults could do that. I think WE should start playing with random strangers in the airport."

Insert long, awkward pause.

"Hmm", I added, somewhat hastily. "That sounded really, really wrong."

A nearby passenger burst into laughter.

"Well, honey," Chris retorted, "At least you didn't say we should play with strange CHILDREN in the airport."

I really think we should work on our quiet voices.

Jesus....Shaves?

This is great....just great!

Haha...this is so much fun. By "this" I mean Chris of course. Awesomeness.

The Flood

I was semi-hoping that my days of toilet embarrassments were over; alas, I endured the motherload of all awkwardly mortifying moments 2 weeks ago. As you can see, it took me some time to recover enough from The Incident to write about it, so with much trepidation and anxiety, here goes.

So Chris and I are visiting his parents in PA for the weekend, along with his younger sister. Now, I'll just say right here that if I didn't feel comfortable around his family or had just met them, this story would rate a lot higher on the mortified scale. But, you'll see that regardless...it's pretty awful.

Anyway, it was Saturday morning. We've all eaten a delicious filling breakfast, and that very breakfast was on its way through my system and ready to meet its end in the ceramic throne. I headed to the bathroom to do just that. Now, this toilet has a tendency to, shall we say, overflow. Knowing this, I reminded myself to perform a courtesy flush "halfway through". This was successfully performed; I completed my business (trying to keep out the details here, but falling short of rated G), closed the lid, flushed and started the shower. Somewhere between taking off my shirt and stepping over to adjust the temperature of the shower, I noticed I was standing in what felt like a small ocean. Glancing down, I saw that the toilet had, in fact, become a small waterfall. Now, I could have done one of several things here. I could have run into the hallway, shirtless and screaming for help. I could have simply grabbed the towel I had laid out, threw it around myself and run into the hallway screaming for help. But no, my brain insisted that I must first turn off the shower. Then my brain insisted that I locate my t-shirt and put it back on even amid my panic. If you have never attempted to get dressed in a panic, I wouldn't recommend it. Suddenly you become extremely uncoordinated, as if you had regressed to the age of 2 and were attempting to clothe yourself in a snowsuit. Needless to say, my delay was costly. After successfully re-dressing myself, I then ran into the hallway screaming for help. Meanwhile, the toilet waterfall continued to gain in speed and volume like a stream aspiring to become Niagara Falls. Chris responded to my call for help, racing down the hall and immediately went for the shut-off valve behind the toilet. (Now, why didn't I think of that?) Alas, the valve was stuck, and it took a few tries before it was successfully shut off and the flood stopped its momentous rush. At this point Chris opened the toilet lid before I could warn him that there was some solid matter still floating gleefully inside, post-courtesy flush. He gagged in revulsion and scrambled for towels to start mopping up the ocean of poopwater.

The aftermath of The Flood went something like this: 2 inches of water covered the bathroom floor & linen closet, flowed into the hallway and into one of the nearby bedrooms and cascaded like a summer rain through the floorboards and into the basement where Chris' sister was splashed in the eye while attempting to catch the fallout in a large bucket.

But hey, at least I had my shirt on!

Blueberry Beetle

Happily eating blueberries...about 3/4 of the way through them...happened to glance in the container and spotted THIS...

Yup...a dead beetle... *gag*

Sidebar

Isn't it just GREAT when you're sitting around with a group of people and your pastor is talking about something or other, and you suddenly feel the unquenchable need to have a ridiculous sidebar that makes no sense at all in the grand scheme of things, but somehow you just can't stop yourself?

Me: *burps quietly* Excuse me.

Shaun: (whispers) What?

Me: (whispers back) I said excuse me, I just burped.

Shaun: Oh.

Me: (quietly) At least I didn't fart. (laughs)

TJ, our pastor: (stops mid-sentence) What's going on over there?

Me: Oh, I was saying...uh, at least I didn't fart.

Group of people: (Stare in silence)

Me: (incessant need to explain EVERYTHING no matter how ridiculous, knowing I can just say never mind, carry on but somehow those words just don't come out, instead, I must explain how I burped and said excuse me and then said at least I didn't fart, etc. etc., enduring the awkward silence and some embarrassed laughter, at least, it seemed embarrassed, it could have been pity laughter, but same diff, because either way, I said at least I didn't fart, and how many ways are there to react to that announcement.)

Cringeworthy

Sometimes I should just not talk. like, ever.
Gchat convo, my sister and I:

me: is it awkward to ask someone how their fetus is doing?

or is that just weird.

Janis: uh yeah, sounds a liitttllleee psycho.

me: oh, ok, i won't ask that then. i was just trying to think of another way to ask someone how their pregnancy is coming along.

Janis: hmmm

hmmmmmmmmmmm

How's that bun cookin'?

me: haha, well, i ended up just asking her how she and the baby are doing.

Janis: BOR-ing....

Hairspray Hilarity

Getting ready for work this morning...did my usual: blow-dried my hair, fluffed it, went to hairspray my coiffure in place. When I touched my hair, I couldn't feel any hairspray in it, so I sprayed some more. Same result! Odd, yes?

Much to my chagrin I realized I was spraying deodorant in my hair...DOH!

Nothin' but respect to the 70+ crowd...but this was FUNNY.

I was at the bank drive-through yesterday evening and saw the funniest awkward thing, and it wasn't anything to do with me!! To set the scene for you, there are 2 drive-thru lanes at my bank - where you would use those plastic tube containers that are sucked up and into the bank. I was in the right drive-thru lane and there was a driver on my left. I'm sitting there waiting for the teller to process my deposit through the tube system when this old lady confusedly wanders up to the teller window on foot.

Old lady: Hello? Excuse me? (knocks on bank teller's glass)

Teller (confused, speaks through the speaker at my drive-thru lane): Can I help you?

Old lady (looking around for the source of the teller's voice): How do I use this thing?

Teller (still through my speaker): Are you trying to make a deposit?

Old lady: Yes.

Teller: Oh, ma'am you would use one of those tubes. (Points to the driver on my left who is completing his transaction and putting the empty tube back into the unit)

Old lady: Oh! Thank you. (Walks over to the tube the teller pointed at, struggles to get the tube out)

Driver on my left: (Not sure how to react, still sitting in his drive-thru lane, watching as the lady tries to pull the tube out of the unit a foot away from him)

Teller: Ma'am? Ma'am? You actually have to drive through, if you could just go get your car and come into one of these lanes I can talk you through the whole process.

Old lady: Oh! Okay. And you'll show me how to use this thing? (Points to tube) I can put my money inside of that?

Teller: Yes ma'am you can.

Old lady: Okay I will be right back, in my car.

Please chop down the jungle...

So all summer, I have been watching the jungle grow onto my patio with part annoyance and part fascination...but I decided I just couldn't take it anymore. It needs to get the ax! Here's the email I sent my apartment complex this morning along with some accompanying pics. Oh, I was thinking of offering to do the landscaping myself if they cut my rent by a hundred bucks a month. Whatcha think??


Good morning,

I spoke to someone in your office a week ago about the state of my patio, and I just wanted to make sure that this would be addressed since the landscaping company is in the complex today. Attached are some photos I took of what it looks like on my patio right now. There are also a couple pictures which show the vines growing over the top of the AC vent & the kitchen window all the way up to the 2nd floor. I know that the back side of my building doesn't face the parking lot but it should still look presentable & professional and I should be able to have the use of my patio.

If possible please have the landscaping company remove the offending bush by the roots (the one whose vines are 6 feet up the wall). It grows about a foot a week, which means that 4 feet of vines would be on my patio every month until the next time the landscaping company comes out.

Please, please chop down the jungle...

Thanks so much,
Kristin Cline

I would appreciate a call or email back letting me know that this issue has been taken care of.

Me too!

So I'm at church last night, and people are standing up to share their thoughts on this series we just finished on The Purpose Driven Life, and a girl stands up to speak and ends up getting a little tongue-tied mid-sentence. (Public speaking...yesssssssssssssssssss). She covers up well, announcing to all that she is a little awkward sometimes. At her proclamation, my heart races...I'm beaming...I sit up straight...and before I can stop myself, a loud, gutteral croak emits from my throat - "Muh-muh-me TOO!"

Awkward Turtles, unite!!

Tight Squeeze

A hermit crab as seen through a glass shell!!! Cool!

Tales of Toilet Paper...Part 2

I just do not understand what it is with me and toilet paper tragedies. How many embarrassing debacles must I endure before the humiliation is complete? I am doomed, DOOMED, to the toilet paper hall of shame. Where did all this begin???....I think it all started at my mom & stepdad's wedding, when I used about a mile and a half of toilet paper after using the potty at the wedding reception and promptly flooded the ENTIRE restroom, then fled in a panic, launched my 8-year old body into the crowd of happy wedding-goers & loudly announced what I had done.

Fast forward a few years to high school, when the hall pass for my science class was a toilet seat. Yes, an ACTUAL seat that was SAT UPON by a plethora of BUTTS large and small...albeit, sufficiently sterilized (one would hope) - especially since I hung it around my neck to make it less awkward to carry.

Fast forward another few years - after using the restroom at a co-worker's house for her daughter's baby shower, I wrapped my *ahem* sanitary product into a few squares of toilet paper and stuffed it into the garbage can. Not 15 minutes later, my coworker's old grey dog limped into the living room where we are all gathered, watching the happy mom-to-be unwrap gifts, and there was something in the dog's mouth that was trailing out and behind her. As I watched in horror, she PLOPPED the thing at the feet of the preggers woman like some sort of prize. You guessed it. I'll spare the details.

Fast forward to the present - Chris and I, visiting his aunt, uncle & 4 cousins in Damascus last night for dinner. I went to wash up before dinner, and YEP - USED THE REST OF THE ROLL. Not wanting a repeat of last weekend's incident, I bravely marched out of the bathroom & directly up to the dinner table where all were seated and made my proclamation. Maybe this will break the toilet paper curse....I won't stop hoping - at least, until next time.

Impossible Pee

Uhhhh.....

Tales of Toilet Paper

So Chris and I were visiting friends of his, Andy & Amber at their home in Pennsylvania. This was my first time meeting them; Andy is a childhood friend of Chris' whom he doesn't get to see often. Oh, they have 2 really cute kids. I mention the kids because one of them is directly involved in this most awkward of moments. So to set the scene, we're all sitting around in the living room just chatting, and their little girl, age 5, goes off to use the restroom. Below is what happened after she left the living room...

5 year old, calling from bathroom down the hall: "Mommmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyy! Helloooooo! I need toilettt pappperrrrrrrrrrr!"

Andy: What? Did she say she needs toilet paper? Is there none in there?

Amber: Well, there was.

Me (over-loud): OH!!! Actually that's my fault. When I used the restroom...I used the rest of the roll. But it seemed pretty awkward to just come out of the bathroom and announce that.

Chris (laughs): So instead you just said nothing, and now you get to announce it anyway.

Me: Yeah, instead I wait until someone else is stuck in the bathroom without toilet paper. Oh boy.

Amber & Andy: (pity laughter)

Chris: You should put this on your blog!

We've said it so many times...it doesn't make sense anymore!

Random convo with my sis online...

Janis: apparently!

me: now, do you say that, "apparently" or "apparent-LEE?"

Janis: a-PAR-ently (I think that's what you were asking) um. ap-PEAR-antly (prununciation-wise) that's what I stress. Am i making any sense??

me: haha, i stress the LEE part. like, just then.

Janis: I stress the PAR part

me: not always. like if i am saying, "apparently she didn't want to eat poop", i would say it the normal way.

Janis: ap-PEAR-antly

me: but just then accentuating a point, would be apparent-LEE!

Janis: me too, well for the first bit. a normal statement, I would stress everything equally

me: me too

Janis: for sarcasm, I say "ap-PEAR-antly"

me: yeah!

Janis: doing it your way sounds weird. no offense, I can't do it right even when I try

me: oh, wait is that what i meant to say? oh, ok here is what it sounds like: a-PEAR-ent-LEE!

had to say it out loud to make it sound right.

Janis: no, still doesn't sound right. I tried it out loud. Maybe I need to hear you say it

me: haha are people around you looking at you oddly now?

Janis: yes but only a little, they're used to it

me: haha. no reaction on my end. no surprise

Janis: ahahah!

Refill DOH!

Baskin Robbins on Christina's birthday. I needed a refill for a cup of water...

Me, to BR employee: Could I have a refill please?

BR employee: Sure. (takes cup)

Me (making awkward small talk): Yeah, I drank all my water up.

BR employee: Yeah, uh, I do understand the concept of a refill.

Me: Oh!! I'm sorry, I wasn't implying that you didn't.

Tastes like...what?

(Joanne Kim's house, Monday evening. Some people sitting around in the living room. Cue Joanne, walking into the living room with a bowl of blueberries)

Joanne: Here's a bowl of blueberries! Minus the cool whip.

Me: Yum, blueberries! (grabs handful & pop into mouth)
Mmmmmm, blueberries have this yummy aftertaste of, like, butterscotch.

(Very long pause)

Chris: That. Is. The. Craziest thing I have ever heard.

Holy meal

...with a slice of Heaven for dessert.

Don't take the pic yet!

Wait, I wanna take off my glasses first!
Oh, wait, you took the pic anyway.
Awwwkward......

Cut the Line

Try this next time you're at Chipotle....

Old, grumpy man: Where is the express line?

Woman: Right here.

[Old, grumpy man attempts to cut the line.]

Woman: I don't know if you can see it, but the back of the line is all the way over there!

Old, grumpy man: But I'm a Christian!

--Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
www.overheardinnewyork.com

Overheard in New York

Greatest new discovery...entry from www.overheardinnewyork.com:

10-year-old little brother: And then there was this huge fight on an armored train.

20-something big brother: Wait, are you sure it was a train?

10-year-old little brother: Yeah, it was an armored train that had guns, and bombs, and fireworks.

20-something big brother: Are you sure it wasn't a truck? I saw that movie and it was a truck.

10-year-old little brother: Nope, it was a train.

20-something big brother: You didn't see the movie, did you? You just had someone tell you about it, right?

10-year-old little brother: Yeah...

Yes, please! I mean....what?!

Flower Delivery Oops...

Cell phone rings on my desk at work....

Me: Hello?

Florist: Hello Ms. Cline, this is Teleflora calling about the flower delivery you placed.

Me: Yes?

Florist: Well we wanted to let you know that the delivery was, uhhm, rejected. The funeral home had no record of that person being, uhh... deceased.

Me: Oh. Well, uhhh, I had the delivery sent to the living recipient of the flowers. Cause, you know, I didn't want to send flowers to someone who had, uhh, passed away, since they wouldn't be able to actually receive them.

Florist: We can have the flowers re-delivered...what's the deceased person's name?

Me: Um, yeah....I'm not really sure. Can you just have the flowers re-delivered, and just, you know, tell the funeral home to give them to the living person and not the deceased?

Florist: Uh, yeah, sure, we'll do that.

...If that wasn't the most awkward phone call...lol

Brian Regan - Awkward UPS

Engrish Awkward

Uhhh...what?

Pedicures in Black & White

So I had a girls night last night so we could all get pedicures for our friend’s wedding on Saturday. We were talking about what our dresses look like and all of theirs were purple, blue, light blue… and i was like, “uh-oh”, to myself. Now, this wedding is at 2 PM and my dress is more appropriate for an evening ceremony. I spent a fortune on this &%^$#@ dress, so I could wear it to every formal event in 2008.

One of the girls asked me what color dress I’m wearing. I’m like, “Uhhhhhh, black & white.”

The bride, quick to reassure, said “Oh, that’s ok!! Black & white is fine as long as it isn’t mostly black with only a little white trim!”

So, yea, perfect description of said dress.

Awwwwwwk-ward!