Fraudulent Citizen

Wow, 7 whole months without a single blog post! Wonder what could cause me to be re-inspired to post after such a significant hiatus? My wedding? My birthday the day after my wedding? My awesome honeymoon? Nope! This post is lovingly attributed to the person whom I lovingly refer to as "Fraudulent Citizen". Below is a fun account of my adventures in Fraudland!

It all began on a rather normal Friday morning in the Metzger household. The birds chirped, the Metzgers showered, ate and burped, all was well. Until.

7/24/09, 7 AM: Checked email while eating breakfast. Noticed there were several emails fom Paypal thanking me for my purchase of $1,549.99 and congratulations on winning your eBay item, a shiny brand-new Macbook Pro!! Wait...what? Did I buy this online while sleepwalking? Did I unknowingly make the switch from PC to Mac while I slumbered? DARN those commercials and their subliminal advertising techniques. DARN them to HECK!

7/24/09, 7:02 AM: Called Paypal. Asked WTF is going on. Did not say "WTF" except for in my head. Was advised that they were already aware of the fraudulent purchase, which raised red flags left and right all over. Fraudulent Citizen wanted their lovely new Macbook delivered to a remote Wyoming location, of which I captured on google street view. See? Fraudulent Citizen's Shipping Address - What appears to be a home, a warehouse, or an empty field. Yippee. Who could this sneaky Citizen be? Meanwhile, back at Paypal...Sorry, Mrs. Metzger, we couldn't stop the purchase from going through to your bank account. (The bank account that has a zero balance. The bank account that was only open until I was able to switch my company's payroll direct deposit to my new bank. Zoiks!) Maybe, Mrs. Metzger, you could call your bank to explain about the fraudulent purchase, and they can stop it from posting to your account!

7/24/09, 7:10 AM: Called PNC Bank to let them know what was going on. Yippee, looks like the fraudulent purchase was stopped in its tracks! Rep advised that it looks like Paypal was able to stop the transaction. Sigh of relief. Thought to myself: crisis averted! Fraudulent Citizen thwarted! Justice served! Boo-ya! (Yeah...I said it. Boo-ya. Read it and weep, o ye children of the late 90s).

7/24/09, 7:30 AM: On an afterthought, emailed the eBay seller to let them know what was up. Received a thank-you response. At least the Fraudulent Citizen wouldn't get that sweet laptop.

Fast forward to Monday, 7/27/09, 6:10 PM: Received mail sent via USPS, from PNC, addressed to me. Ripped open. "Hello, your account is overdrafted by $1549.99. Please bring your account up to to zero balance and pay us our $31 NSF fee."

7/27/09, 6:20 PM: Called PNC to ask WTF is going on. Remembered to ask more nicely than "WTF". Remembered that my paycheck was going to be deposited into this account in a couple of days. That would suck! Paycheck wouldn't even cover the negative amount in the bank account... leaving me without the $$ until Paypal reversed the transaction. Yay for paying my last 2 weeks of hard-earned money to a fraud-committing citizen who never received the sweet laptop. Spoke to a rep @ PNC who refused to discuss my own account with me because I couldn't remember the exact dollar amount of my last deposit, even though I gave her my SSN, address, date of birth and how much I weighed upon exiting my mother's vagina on June 21st, 1981. Had to hang up after getting nowhere. Felt somehow simultaneously indignant, unclean, nearly in tears, with a rising-up of perverse hilarity.

7/27/09, 10 PM: Called PNC again, this time armed and ready with the information about my most recent deposit. Spoke to a rep at length; claimed they were unable to put a freeze on my account to reject the paycheck being direct deposited. Oh, P.S., Mrs. Metzger - You now owe us $62 in NSF fees, plus $7 a day every day the account is below zero balance. Sure, we can put in a dispute for you - we need to mail you some paperwork. No, we can't fax or email it. Oh, can you verify the amount and date of your last withdrawal from your account? We need to verify your home address and can't mail you anything until you give us that information. I know we sent you a letter telling you there is minus $1549.99 in your account, but we're not authorized to send you a letter to dispute that until you verify your last withdrawal. My last withdrawal?? Surely you jest? Why don't you ask the third-rate hacker who attempted to buy a Macbook Pro on eBay and failed, only succeeding in wasting my time, money and patience?

7/27/09, 10:15 PM: Called PayPal to ask if anything could be done. Was advised the fraud team is still resolving the fraudulent purchase and the transaction would be reversed when resolution process complete - say about 2 weeks or so. *Gulp*

7/28/09, 8 AM: Called PNC local branch office to ask if they could do anything to help. I offered to do conference call w/Paypal so they could assure PNC that all was kosher & the transaction would eventually be reversed to my bank account. Rep told me that in her 14 years of banking experience, has never known a bank account to be placed on a freeze. (!!!) Said she would look into, and call me back. She expressed her shock that Paypal even allowed the purchase to occur. I expressed my shock that PNC would allow $1500 to be removed from an account with a zero balance & NSF fees to be charged against a customer who has a perfect banking relationship with PNC. Ended the shocking call.

7/28/09, 1:30 PM: Did not hear back from PNC rep. Called again and spoke with a different rep. Was advised that even after this process was resolved, PNC probably would not reimburse me the NSF fees, now nearly $100. Why? Oh, you know - it's such a bad economy, Mrs. Metzger. They are really holding onto these fees now. Dude...a bad economy? Should have thought of that before letting the Fraudulent Citizen steal $1549.99 from an honest taxpayer. ROFL.

7/28/09, 7:38 PM: Anger balloon deflated some. Posted this blog, kicked back and smoked a stogie on my back porch while calmly sipping a single malt scotch on the rocks.

Okay, so the last part wasn't true. But if Fraudulent Citizen ever gets caught...I might just do that. Yes, I just might.



Editor's note: The author would like to make it known that Paypal, while seemingly ridiculed in this post, was actually mostly helpful. PNC, on the other hand, was mostly a pain in the rear.