Jesus....Shaves?

This is great....just great!

Haha...this is so much fun. By "this" I mean Chris of course. Awesomeness.

The Flood

I was semi-hoping that my days of toilet embarrassments were over; alas, I endured the motherload of all awkwardly mortifying moments 2 weeks ago. As you can see, it took me some time to recover enough from The Incident to write about it, so with much trepidation and anxiety, here goes.

So Chris and I are visiting his parents in PA for the weekend, along with his younger sister. Now, I'll just say right here that if I didn't feel comfortable around his family or had just met them, this story would rate a lot higher on the mortified scale. But, you'll see that regardless...it's pretty awful.

Anyway, it was Saturday morning. We've all eaten a delicious filling breakfast, and that very breakfast was on its way through my system and ready to meet its end in the ceramic throne. I headed to the bathroom to do just that. Now, this toilet has a tendency to, shall we say, overflow. Knowing this, I reminded myself to perform a courtesy flush "halfway through". This was successfully performed; I completed my business (trying to keep out the details here, but falling short of rated G), closed the lid, flushed and started the shower. Somewhere between taking off my shirt and stepping over to adjust the temperature of the shower, I noticed I was standing in what felt like a small ocean. Glancing down, I saw that the toilet had, in fact, become a small waterfall. Now, I could have done one of several things here. I could have run into the hallway, shirtless and screaming for help. I could have simply grabbed the towel I had laid out, threw it around myself and run into the hallway screaming for help. But no, my brain insisted that I must first turn off the shower. Then my brain insisted that I locate my t-shirt and put it back on even amid my panic. If you have never attempted to get dressed in a panic, I wouldn't recommend it. Suddenly you become extremely uncoordinated, as if you had regressed to the age of 2 and were attempting to clothe yourself in a snowsuit. Needless to say, my delay was costly. After successfully re-dressing myself, I then ran into the hallway screaming for help. Meanwhile, the toilet waterfall continued to gain in speed and volume like a stream aspiring to become Niagara Falls. Chris responded to my call for help, racing down the hall and immediately went for the shut-off valve behind the toilet. (Now, why didn't I think of that?) Alas, the valve was stuck, and it took a few tries before it was successfully shut off and the flood stopped its momentous rush. At this point Chris opened the toilet lid before I could warn him that there was some solid matter still floating gleefully inside, post-courtesy flush. He gagged in revulsion and scrambled for towels to start mopping up the ocean of poopwater.

The aftermath of The Flood went something like this: 2 inches of water covered the bathroom floor & linen closet, flowed into the hallway and into one of the nearby bedrooms and cascaded like a summer rain through the floorboards and into the basement where Chris' sister was splashed in the eye while attempting to catch the fallout in a large bucket.

But hey, at least I had my shirt on!

Blueberry Beetle

Happily eating blueberries...about 3/4 of the way through them...happened to glance in the container and spotted THIS...

Yup...a dead beetle... *gag*

Sidebar

Isn't it just GREAT when you're sitting around with a group of people and your pastor is talking about something or other, and you suddenly feel the unquenchable need to have a ridiculous sidebar that makes no sense at all in the grand scheme of things, but somehow you just can't stop yourself?

Me: *burps quietly* Excuse me.

Shaun: (whispers) What?

Me: (whispers back) I said excuse me, I just burped.

Shaun: Oh.

Me: (quietly) At least I didn't fart. (laughs)

TJ, our pastor: (stops mid-sentence) What's going on over there?

Me: Oh, I was saying...uh, at least I didn't fart.

Group of people: (Stare in silence)

Me: (incessant need to explain EVERYTHING no matter how ridiculous, knowing I can just say never mind, carry on but somehow those words just don't come out, instead, I must explain how I burped and said excuse me and then said at least I didn't fart, etc. etc., enduring the awkward silence and some embarrassed laughter, at least, it seemed embarrassed, it could have been pity laughter, but same diff, because either way, I said at least I didn't fart, and how many ways are there to react to that announcement.)

Cringeworthy

Sometimes I should just not talk. like, ever.
Gchat convo, my sister and I:

me: is it awkward to ask someone how their fetus is doing?

or is that just weird.

Janis: uh yeah, sounds a liitttllleee psycho.

me: oh, ok, i won't ask that then. i was just trying to think of another way to ask someone how their pregnancy is coming along.

Janis: hmmm

hmmmmmmmmmmm

How's that bun cookin'?

me: haha, well, i ended up just asking her how she and the baby are doing.

Janis: BOR-ing....

Hairspray Hilarity

Getting ready for work this morning...did my usual: blow-dried my hair, fluffed it, went to hairspray my coiffure in place. When I touched my hair, I couldn't feel any hairspray in it, so I sprayed some more. Same result! Odd, yes?

Much to my chagrin I realized I was spraying deodorant in my hair...DOH!

Nothin' but respect to the 70+ crowd...but this was FUNNY.

I was at the bank drive-through yesterday evening and saw the funniest awkward thing, and it wasn't anything to do with me!! To set the scene for you, there are 2 drive-thru lanes at my bank - where you would use those plastic tube containers that are sucked up and into the bank. I was in the right drive-thru lane and there was a driver on my left. I'm sitting there waiting for the teller to process my deposit through the tube system when this old lady confusedly wanders up to the teller window on foot.

Old lady: Hello? Excuse me? (knocks on bank teller's glass)

Teller (confused, speaks through the speaker at my drive-thru lane): Can I help you?

Old lady (looking around for the source of the teller's voice): How do I use this thing?

Teller (still through my speaker): Are you trying to make a deposit?

Old lady: Yes.

Teller: Oh, ma'am you would use one of those tubes. (Points to the driver on my left who is completing his transaction and putting the empty tube back into the unit)

Old lady: Oh! Thank you. (Walks over to the tube the teller pointed at, struggles to get the tube out)

Driver on my left: (Not sure how to react, still sitting in his drive-thru lane, watching as the lady tries to pull the tube out of the unit a foot away from him)

Teller: Ma'am? Ma'am? You actually have to drive through, if you could just go get your car and come into one of these lanes I can talk you through the whole process.

Old lady: Oh! Okay. And you'll show me how to use this thing? (Points to tube) I can put my money inside of that?

Teller: Yes ma'am you can.

Old lady: Okay I will be right back, in my car.

Please chop down the jungle...

So all summer, I have been watching the jungle grow onto my patio with part annoyance and part fascination...but I decided I just couldn't take it anymore. It needs to get the ax! Here's the email I sent my apartment complex this morning along with some accompanying pics. Oh, I was thinking of offering to do the landscaping myself if they cut my rent by a hundred bucks a month. Whatcha think??


Good morning,

I spoke to someone in your office a week ago about the state of my patio, and I just wanted to make sure that this would be addressed since the landscaping company is in the complex today. Attached are some photos I took of what it looks like on my patio right now. There are also a couple pictures which show the vines growing over the top of the AC vent & the kitchen window all the way up to the 2nd floor. I know that the back side of my building doesn't face the parking lot but it should still look presentable & professional and I should be able to have the use of my patio.

If possible please have the landscaping company remove the offending bush by the roots (the one whose vines are 6 feet up the wall). It grows about a foot a week, which means that 4 feet of vines would be on my patio every month until the next time the landscaping company comes out.

Please, please chop down the jungle...

Thanks so much,
Kristin Cline

I would appreciate a call or email back letting me know that this issue has been taken care of.

Me too!

So I'm at church last night, and people are standing up to share their thoughts on this series we just finished on The Purpose Driven Life, and a girl stands up to speak and ends up getting a little tongue-tied mid-sentence. (Public speaking...yesssssssssssssssssss). She covers up well, announcing to all that she is a little awkward sometimes. At her proclamation, my heart races...I'm beaming...I sit up straight...and before I can stop myself, a loud, gutteral croak emits from my throat - "Muh-muh-me TOO!"

Awkward Turtles, unite!!